Chairman's Desk

An American fan writes to Tucker Carlson about Canada

I await your presidential bid and call-to-arms against Canada with keen anticipation

Gee, Tucker, you’re always saying the stuff most Americans are afraid to say.

Like this invading Canada idea you’ve floated. Dude, this time, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m so glad that before you got back to your obsession with the sex appeal of M&M characters, you turned to our northern neighbour. I, for one, am sick of the Canadians and all their wokeness and think it’s time we did something about it.

You’re absolutely correct that Canada is a Justin Trudeau dictatorship. Hardly surprising given he is the offspring of Fidel Castro. You have to be careful because the Canadians will have you believe they have a parliamentary system where their political leaders are freely and fairly elected every five years. But, as we know all too well, the globalists have hijacked these systems to install whichever puppet they see fit. Being naïve as they are, the Canadians failed to perceive what was so obvious to educated minds like mine and yours. Those Boy Scouts didn’t even try to Stop the Steal!

On the question of liberation, I’ve no doubt once they are greeted with our trademark American charm and the promise of our glorious dream of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness the Canucks will welcome us with open arms. As you observed, liberating dictatorships is what we do! They’ll learn that American intervention is a gift from the heavens, just like the Afghans, Iraqis, Libyans, Haitians and Chileans have done.

This one will be even easier — I hear they all speak English anyway.

Tactically, we will need some help putting this together. While I’m all for a “Bay of Pigs operation,” we might want to model this invasion on something that actually worked, as Trudeau’s true father managed to scupper us on that occasion.

I like your idea that we could probably complete a successful invasion without the armed forces and that “just a couple college kids with sled dogs could do the trick.” While you might have been joking, this could be effective. After all, the Canadians whooped our ass back to Washington and set fire to the White House in 1812 when we tried with the Army, so why not try something more clandestine to finally right that wrong?

Of course, the hard work will come once we’ve successfully invaded, and we must introduce Canadians to real freedom. That will mean limiting the autonomy women have over their own bodies, letting every citizen have access to military-grade weapons to protect themselves against the deep state and ridding them of their Marxist belief in universal health care.

Given Trudeau and his communist cronies have been repeated violators of human and democratic rights, it’s important we install our system of voting rights, world-renowned for its openness and fairness. What’s more, they seem to have this strange belief in welcoming vast amounts of immigrants and refugees. Don’t they realize that free societies impose travel bans on Muslim countries and bus their refugees around state borders until someone caves in and takes them?

All this reinforces your point that “Canada is a sick society.” Wokeness, after all, is a virus. But not the fake kind that Dr. Fauci warned about. This one is far deadlier. There’s no vaccine for it (I wouldn’t trust it anyway) but there is such thing as a little shot in the arm of American freedom.

Seeing as you’re effectively the GOP kingmaker these days, why not run in 2024 so we can make this invasion a reality? I’ve always liked the idea of a for-the-people revolution led by a commander-in-chief in a polka-dot bow tie.

Anyway, I await your presidential bid and call-to-arms against Canada with keen anticipation. In the meantime, I’m going back to my regular routine of testicle tanning, then spending some alone time reminiscing on the good old days with some vintage M&M packets.

Yours faithfully,

A loyal viewer.

This article first appeared in the Toronto Star on February 12, 2023.